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  • Writer's pictureDaphne Dixon

Curious & Evolving

Updated: Aug 9, 2020

Sexuality is fluid… It changes over the course of our lifetime. Humans are sexual creatures by nature, even if our experiences of it vary from individual to individual. We are also naturally curious. From the moment we take our first breath until the last, our bodies, hearts and minds can, and will, shift in how we feel, engage and view the sexual parts of ourselves. But this is true for who we are as humans though, as experience, opportunity, biology and evolution influence all aspects of who we are. Why would our sexuality be any different?

Much of how we engage and view ourselves sexually is culturally programmed. We learn how to behave based on the role models in our immediate environment. Puritanical roots prevent open, non-judgmental conversation about sexuality, which creates many roadblocks to education and learning. Cis-gendered heterosexual narratives have been the prevailing model for romantic and sexual relationships for a long time. So as normal curiosities stir, it can be hard to understand what to do, or where to place your fantasies with same sex partners.

masked costumes, men, woman
Some want anonymity to help compartmentalize more taboo fantasies...

Women and men experience this curiosity differently. Socially it is generally more acceptable for women to be bisexual than men, but there is still stigma attached to anyone who is out as being bi. (ie: some dating apps can filter out anyone who identifies as bi, also many assumptions are made about promiscuity or ability to commit).

Mainstream porn has helped make bisexual women a common fantasy. It also shapes some fantasies about bi-men, but in both instances I think it should be noted how important it is to look beyond what we attach our fantasies to without some level of introspection… Sometimes we respond to an outlet that speaks to something deeper, but because of commonly used tropes, get more programmed on the trope than in understanding our true needs and motivations. Don’t be afraid to look deeper! And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy your favorite porn fantasy, but it’s worth considering (if you are pulled to…) seeing how that evolves and what other paths you might find in yourself when you look beyond the fantasies that are fed to us...

Women often come to see me with the support of their partner. Often their fantasy and desire is encouraged by their boyfriend or husband, certainly as support, but also sometimes due to his own fantasies...often shaped by porn. I am mindful of this when booking with couples, as sometimes a male partner can be letting his own desires take over and drive the exchange… It’s always important for me that my couples sessions focus more on her interests over her partners, and structure my sessions with that in mind. Her interests, her pace, her comfort, are what we base the session around, and she is allowed to evolve in whatever way feels organic for her.

sexy couple
Women are often encouraged to explore bisexual fantasies by their partner

Men, on the other hand, often explore this side of themselves separate from their committed relationships. This heightens the taboo element that can play into the fantasy. My male clients are often more likely to seek out situations where they do not feel fully responsible for their same sex interactions, which can heighten the erotic charge using humiliation, or excusing it as a form of service to a more socially acceptable (and often Dominant) female partner. Miss Ava Zhang writes a great blog post about forced bi fantasies here.

And yes, women can have forced bi fantasies too! Just like how fantasies of being taken against her will can allow her to indulge sexual pleasure without the responsibility of initiating or asking for it, this is just another extension of where this can play out. These scenarios should always be negotiated ahead of time (I suggest a few days in advance at least, to help allow the scene to feel more authentic…), and as with any power exchange, have safewords in place to make sure her boundaries are respected.

Let’s face it, no one is 100% gay or technically we are all bi to some degree. Kinsey knew it, and his findings continue to be reinforced. That doesn’t mean everyone acts on their fantasies, nor should they. There is a difference between fantasy and true desire, and it’s important not to confuse the two.

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